Let them

The Friday before last I drove to work in the midst of drivers acting like idiots. It inspired me to wonder how the Dalai Lama might treat the idiots in traffic, if he would be as tempted as I am sometimes to show them the error of their ways. It falls into my general deep philosophical thinking that we’re all on the planet to teach and help each other: we can all be angels to someone.

I posted my thought and then went about my way, thinking that was the end of it.

Then on Thursday, a close friend died after a traffic accident on that very same highway. As I again drove by the scene of that horrific accident, I was startled to have a thought pop into my head:
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Instant Karma

Instant Karma
John Lennon

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who on earth d’you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are
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A little downtime

Yes, I actually posted that last post at 3:13 AM this morning. It was another night like Monday night, where my sense of shock and grief kept sleep at bay. Still, when the alarm clock sounded I managed to put my feet on the floor in the morning, for which I am always thankful.

It was my toughest day so far in dealing with the loss of Gerry. Up until now there has been plenty for me to do to create something positive for Gerry and his family but now that he’s gone the emotion my activities have been (mostly) keeping in check are now coming forth. On my way to work I teared up again when I saw a state trooper and wondered if he might have been at the scene of Gerry’s wreck. Then later this morning I had to stop reading Gerry’s guestbook because I became too emotional. I also got weepy thinking of all the missed opportunities for future fun together, and that from this point on our lives would be forever out of sync.
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Blizzard of ’77

Blizzard of ’77
Nada Surf

In blizzard of ’77
The cars were just lumps on the snow
And then later
Tripping in 7-11
The shelves were stretching out of control
On a plane ride
The more it shakes
The more i have to let go
Now the signals
Still getting all mixed up
We’re always doing damage control

But in the middle of the night i worry
It’s blurry even without light

I know i have got a negative edge
That’s why i sharpen all the others a lot
It’s like flowers or ladybugs
Pretty weeds or red beetles with dots

But in the middle of the night i worry
It’s blurry even without light

I miss you more than i knew
I miss you more than i knew
I miss you more than i knew

Last day with Gerry

I was at work when Kelly called me at 10 AM. Gerry’s status hadn’t improved and had actually worsened overnight. He was no longer breathing on his own and there was absolutely no sign of brain activity. The family was talking of making final preparations, Kelly said, and if I wanted a chance to say goodbye while he was still being kept alive I needed to go immediately. I dashed off a note to my manager before rushing out the door, frantically calling up Jeff and Scott as I went.

Unlike my Monday afternoon trip to Duke Hospital, when I got lost driving around Durham, this time I took the Durham Freeway straight there. I walked up to the hallway outside his ICU to find some of his friends already there, many of them already in tears.
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Remembering the good times

Beer Night

Gerry’s “Beer Night” drinking buddies, Jeff, Scott, and myself, decided to get together last night for beers and to talk about Gerry. His good friends Bill Ramsay and Janet Mobley joined us at the North Hills Fox and Hound. We were only together for less than two hours but there was a lot of laughter and stories shared.

It was the best therapy I could’ve asked for during this difficult time. Gerry had a knack for collected some pretty cool friends.

Sinking in

I’ve reached that point now, the one where the reality is beginning to sink in that the Gerry that I knew is gone. Up until now I’ve put up a good front and kept up with the gallows humor but the truth I’ve known all along but refused to acknowledge is finally being accepted. Gerry was gone the second that truck smashed into his car and he isn’t coming back.

Some folks at the office are aware of my loss and many have stopped by my desk to inquire about him. I’ve been giving somber replies but have usually thrown in something positive to lessen the stark reality. I used to think it was for their benefit but it was really for mine. No use pretending anymore.

My manager wanted to talk with me today after hearing the talk in the office and so I told him the whole story. Today was the first time my show of strength failed me, that I could no longer hide the pain. Describing to my boss how Gerry had chance to dodge the truck barreling down on him, I lost my composure and began to cry.
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Holding out for a miracle

I didn’t sleep very well last night. Nor did Kelly. Nor did Gerry’s family nor the hundreds of friends that knew him. I couldn’t stop thinking how quickly things happened. In the blink of an eye my friend went from a happy, healthy life to tragedy. It is the dream I can’t wake up from.

I was feeling pretty glum today about his status. Several of my coworkers came by to ask me about him and express their sympathy. I appreciated that but I stayed in a funk all day. It wasn’t until I spoke with Kelly around 11 that I gently began to feel better. That’s when she mentioned that Gerry’s gag reflex had returned. It’s such a simple thing, a grain of good news next to a mountain of bad, but it provided me a glimmer of hope.

I’m not fooling myself into thinking that it Gerry’s prognosis is anything but grim. It will take nothing short of a miracle to heal Gerry, an honest to God miracle. But miracles do happen. All the time.

We’re not privy to the script in life’s play. None of us know when we’ll play our last scene, or how the play will end. We just play our roles and pine for the time when we can once again join our fellow actors backstage. And I look forward to kicking Gerry’s ass someday for putting us through this, here or elsewhere! 🙂