Yes, I actually posted that last post at 3:13 AM this morning. It was another night like Monday night, where my sense of shock and grief kept sleep at bay. Still, when the alarm clock sounded I managed to put my feet on the floor in the morning, for which I am always thankful.
It was my toughest day so far in dealing with the loss of Gerry. Up until now there has been plenty for me to do to create something positive for Gerry and his family but now that he’s gone the emotion my activities have been (mostly) keeping in check are now coming forth. On my way to work I teared up again when I saw a state trooper and wondered if he might have been at the scene of Gerry’s wreck. Then later this morning I had to stop reading Gerry’s guestbook because I became too emotional. I also got weepy thinking of all the missed opportunities for future fun together, and that from this point on our lives would be forever out of sync.
I thought of how he and I had become fathers within eight days of each other. We had shared our clumsy fumblings through this profound, bewildering rite of passage known as fatherhood. What a comfort it was knowing we were going through it at about the same time.
For a time today I actually felt guilty for my grief, too. How can I be so stricken when I didn’t even know him as well as so many others? When I wasn’t his wife, kids, parents, brothers, in-laws, and other family? I finally worked through that one, but if I can be this moved I can’t even imagine how hard this must be on his family.
All of this weighed on my mind, leaving me sullen and quiet and often staring into space or down at my specially-adorned socked-and-sandaled feet. Not even a coworker’s going away lunch could pull me out of that quiet hiding place into which I had retreated.
Yes, today has been the toughest day yet for me. I’m acknowledging the pain and its depth is surprising. As a friend commented, a death like Gerry’s takes a piece of your heart. You go on living but the wound never heals.
I will go on but the going isn’t nearly as fun as it was less than a week ago.