I’m a five dollar deadbeat

I owe UNC Healthcare five bucks. Or at least I did at one point. Only my credit report seems to care anymore, it seems.

Last April, when Bellsouth began threatening to sock me with someone else’s phone bill, I ordered up a copy of my credit report just in case. Aside from the usual house loans, car loans, and credit card accounts belonging to my brother, Jeff, I noticed something else that didn’t belong: an unpaid bill for $5 for “medical services” that went to collection. Yes, UNC actually sent my $5 unpaid bill to collections.

Last fall, I called up the collection agency listed on the report.

“Uh, sir, what’s that account number again?” They were helpful but clueless. It had already been removed from their records. The agency did tell me that they handle debt collection for UNC Hospitals. Aha, now we’re getting somewhere!

A check of my medical receipts provided the answer. At the end of an office visit related to my fundoplication, the cashier charged me a $40 copay instead of the $45 copay my insurance required. I thought I was paid up and forgot all about it.

UNC Healthcare was kind enough to mail me bills. About five of them, actually, but for some unknown reason I completely blew them off. Maybe it was the Wild Turkey, I don’ t know. To complicate matters, we were right in the middle of moving, so the bills soon got dumped in a box.

Eventually the notices ceased, UNC gave up on collecting, and now I have a $5 debt on my credit report. The folks in UNC’s billing department all had a good laugh about it when I recently called to pay up and they agreed to remove it. Perhaps they can perform my brain transplant someday.