I’ve reached that point now, the one where the reality is beginning to sink in that the Gerry that I knew is gone. Up until now I’ve put up a good front and kept up with the gallows humor but the truth I’ve known all along but refused to acknowledge is finally being accepted. Gerry was gone the second that truck smashed into his car and he isn’t coming back.
Some folks at the office are aware of my loss and many have stopped by my desk to inquire about him. I’ve been giving somber replies but have usually thrown in something positive to lessen the stark reality. I used to think it was for their benefit but it was really for mine. No use pretending anymore.
My manager wanted to talk with me today after hearing the talk in the office and so I told him the whole story. Today was the first time my show of strength failed me, that I could no longer hide the pain. Describing to my boss how Gerry had chance to dodge the truck barreling down on him, I lost my composure and began to cry.
Fuck. I’m crying now as I write this.
My dad noted today how this is the first friend I have lost suddenly. He is right, and I now see how amazingly blessed I have been in that regard. Up until now almost all of my peeps have lived happy lives. Gerry, though, was in my inner circle, one of my closest friends. His sudden departure is stunning and hurts as if I have lost a brother. The sense of emptiness I felt on Monday was like nothing I have ever felt. Nothing could’ve prepared myself for this.
Still, what can be done now? Life goes on. Nothing can change what happened. Gerry’s huge circle of friends will help his family cope. And each of us will continue to live our lives because we each have to move on. For now I’ll draw my loved ones in a little closer and never, ever let them doubt how much I love them.