Dear birds,
I wish to bring to your attention the new bird feeder located outside my office window. I know that winter is a tough time to find food so I am happy to assist. Therefore, you may consider my bird feeder to be open for business.
Note the high-quality, sturdy plastic construction. It is surely capable of supporting the weight of three, possibly four birds at one time. And look at the dual trays! You can feed in bliss without worry of another bird knocking you off your perch. No waiting!
Also please note the quality of food. Unlike inferior bird feeders in the area, this one is well-stocked with the finest shell-less sunflower seeds. One would typically need a tedious flight to California to enjoy these succulent seeds, but no more! I bring them to your doorstep, fresh!
This amazing feeding spot is located nicely above the range of neighborhood cats, also making those battles with pesky, raiding squirrels a thing of the past. It has all a bird could possibly desire in regards to a fine meal.
Please take this invitation to visit this bird feeder, and please bring your friends. We look forward to hosting you.
Regards,
Mark
(who’s feeling a little slap-happy
from being a sales engineer)
Jerk.
What, no pizza?!
Mr. Turner,
My client, Mr. Robin, has suffered numerous serious injuries in trying to land on your feeder (see Exhibit A). He did not realize that the aforementioned “feeder” was attached to a window, attempted to do a standard swooping approach (see Exhibit B) and was quite shocked to run smack into a hard surface. We will be seeking compensation for veterinary bills, as well as punitive damages for Mr. Robin’s inability to provide for his family while his skull, wings, and rib cage are healing.
You are a truly sick and twisted Human…
Mr. Ima Buzard, LLP