Saturday morning we were scheduled to go to Hallie’s soccer game but it had gotten rained out. Instead we got the kids ready for their sleepover at their friends’ house and got ourselves ready for Gerry’s funeral. We got the kids out the door and then ourselves, arriving at the church around 12:25. I’ve got a separate post coming up on Gerry’s service, but suffice it to say it was far harder for me than I expected.

We went to a post-service party for Gerry and had a great time. Then we went to yet another party after that one. It was good meeting friends of Gerry’s from various points in his past.

This morning Kelly and I slept in somewhat later, which wasn’t really by design as Daylight Saving Time took effect today. We picked up the kids from their sleepover, ate lunch (BBQ!), and headed out for a two-hour family bike ride on the greenway. It was awesome! When we returned, we figured out that we’d ridden 14 miles. And the kids had no complaints at all! I so love riding with the family and look forward to many more rides like today’s.

Now it’s time for a shower and then bed. My busy week of meetings is this week so my posting this week will be sporadic.

China’s demand for oil jumped by an “astonishing” 28% in January compared with the same month a year earlier, the International Energy Agency (IEA) says.

East Raleigh organizer and blogger Mark Turner said the Bring Google Fiber to Raleigh! Facebook group he created the day that Google announced the fiber program now includes more than 600 members and has drawn the support of elected officials. He hopes upcoming Internet conferences in Raleigh will add muster to the effort.

“I see fiber and Internet connection as being almost as vital nowadays as sewer service and water service, as far as building communities,” Turner said. “It would really position us for some long-term growth.”

I would think it’d be a simple thing to make timers that count both ways. Maybe it’s just me.

I posted my thought and then went about my way, thinking that was the end of it.

Then on Thursday, a close friend died after a traffic accident on that very same highway. As I again drove by the scene of that horrific accident, I was startled to have a thought pop into my head:

Let them, it said.

I was astonished, as I wasn’t really expecting an answer to my question. It had been just a silly question I had and then had forgotten about. Nor was it the answer I expected. This was most definitely the answer, though.

Let them. These two words were a profound epiphany.

If someone’s making a mistake, let them make it. Failure is a better teacher than success. How can someone learn when someone else is always bailing them out? Let these misguided individuals choose their behavior and learn their own lessons from it. I don’t have to correct them because sooner or later they will correct themselves.

I realized I gained nothing by letting idiot drivers bother me, and I realized that it applies to almost everything. The balance of karma rules the day. Each of us is both the student and the teacher. One day these people will see themselves through the eyes of those they’ve affected and then their mistakes will be made crystal-clear. I can’t possibly teach anyone better than they can teach themselves. What it boils down to is that the only life I can be responsible for is my own.

I smiled at this thought, and was extra-courteous for the rest of my drive home.

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who on earth d’you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev’ryone come on

Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev’ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you’re ev’rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

It was my toughest day so far in dealing with the loss of Gerry. Up until now there has been plenty for me to do to create something positive for Gerry and his family but now that he’s gone the emotion my activities have been (mostly) keeping in check are now coming forth. On my way to work I teared up again when I saw a state trooper and wondered if he might have been at the scene of Gerry’s wreck. Then later this morning I had to stop reading Gerry’s guestbook because I became too emotional. I also got weepy thinking of all the missed opportunities for future fun together, and that from this point on our lives would be forever out of sync.

I thought of how he and I had become fathers within eight days of each other. We had shared our clumsy fumblings through this profound, bewildering rite of passage known as fatherhood. What a comfort it was knowing we were going through it at about the same time.

For a time today I actually felt guilty for my grief, too. How can I be so stricken when I didn’t even know him as well as so many others? When I wasn’t his wife, kids, parents, brothers, in-laws, and other family? I finally worked through that one, but if I can be this moved I can’t even imagine how hard this must be on his family.

All of this weighed on my mind, leaving me sullen and quiet and often staring into space or down at my specially-adorned socked-and-sandaled feet. Not even a coworker’s going away lunch could pull me out of that quiet hiding place into which I had retreated.

Yes, today has been the toughest day yet for me. I’m acknowledging the pain and its depth is surprising. As a friend commented, a death like Gerry’s takes a piece of your heart. You go on living but the wound never heals.

I will go on but the going isn’t nearly as fun as it was less than a week ago.

In blizzard of ‘77
The cars were just lumps on the snow
And then later
Tripping in 7-11
The shelves were stretching out of control
On a plane ride
The more it shakes
The more i have to let go
Now the signals
Still getting all mixed up
We’re always doing damage control

But in the middle of the night i worry
It’s blurry even without light

I know i have got a negative edge
That’s why i sharpen all the others a lot
It’s like flowers or ladybugs
Pretty weeds or red beetles with dots

But in the middle of the night i worry
It’s blurry even without light

I miss you more than i knew
I miss you more than i knew
I miss you more than i knew

Unlike my Monday afternoon trip to Duke Hospital, when I got lost driving around Durham, this time I took the Durham Freeway straight there. I walked up to the hallway outside his ICU to find some of his friends already there, many of them already in tears.

Within minutes the hallway was full of Gerry’s friends, to the point where we were all impeding the others in the hospital. Many hugs were exchanged, old friends were reunited, and stories of Gerry filled the air. There was no sign of the family as they were spending time alone in Gerry’s room. I got there before Kelly and followed Jacob into the room along with Jeff, Suzie, Scott, Erin, Marco, and Ann.

Gerry was lying in a darkened room, surrounded by panels showing a pulse but little else. An “apnea” warning flashed on a monitor. There were family pictures on the wall and two autographed hockey pucks in his hand, put there by his teammates. His body had swelled from his injuries and his head was no longer secured in a HALO. A large scar ran from his mouth up beyond his right ear. I thought the Duke surgeons had done a fantastic job fixing him up, if only his head and neck injuries weren’t so severe. Still I could tell that only his body was here, not his spirit.

We all became emotional upon seeing him. A few of us lingered to privately share our thoughts with him. Jacob reminded us that we couldn’t hurt him so we were free to touch him. Many of us put our hands on his.

After one group exited another group would go in. This parade went on all morning, with the crowd growing so large that we were soon shuttled into a nearby conference room. I was happy to see many friends I hadn’t seen in a long while, even though the circumstances could’ve been better. Western Wake Fire Rescue – the crew who pulled Gerry out of his car – showed up to see him and the family. It was touching.

A group of local pastors, including one who claimed to be a “king from Ghana”, came in to pray over Gerry. Hey, at that point anything was worth a try. I discovered later that Ghana is a parliamentary democracy and doesn’t recognize monarchs. I think they were sincere in their efforts, though. Gerry would’ve been so amused.

Another meeting was soon to be taking place in the conference room, and with everyone having had their chance to say goodbye to Gerry some of us began making lunch plans. A group including Scott, Erin, me, Kelly, Suzie, Bill, Janet, Joe, Ann, and Marco headed over to Parizade over on Main Street. When the waiter asked for our drink orders, someone ordered a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (one of Gerry’s favorite beers) and soon seven of us had one! We spent our meal enjoying excellent food, beer, company, and stories of our friend Gerry. I laughed harder than I have in a long time. It was so therapeutic!

I glanced somberly at my watch at 2 PM, knowing that before we finished eating Gerry’s life would be officially over. I quietly lifted my beer in a silent toast, not wanting to spoil the happy mood that had once again come over us.

We left the restaurant and headed home, Kelly and I in the separate cars we had driven to the hospital. I picked up Travis from Paul and Laura’s house while Kelly fetched Hallie. It was at this point when we got the word that Gerry was gone, having been declared dead at 2:50 PM. I rushed to put together a fitting notification and then send it to three different sites and wound up flubbing one version.

Also during that time I received an email from a reporter at WTVD, looking to talk with people who knew Gerry. I called up Bill, Janet, Jeff, and Scott, but only Scott could make it in time. He met me at Hallie’s soccer practice where several minutes later the news team arrived. He and I both spoke about our love for Gerry and finished our interviews as the park was getting dark. The resulting story was the lead on WTVD’s 11 o’clock news and reporter Alina Machado did an excellent job with it. I teared up again when I saw it. Immediately after it ran, I got a call from Mandy, expressing thanks for our touching tribute. I was so happy that she was happy with it.

Now I’m writing all of this up and ignoring how I’m spent both physically and emotionally. Everyone else feels the same way, but as hard as it’s been at least today there is some closure. It’s time to rest a bit, pay our respects, and live life the way Gerry would want us to live.